Furious... furious-delirious!

Serious?

No...

Mysterious!

Yes! Mysterious!

May 21st, 1610. I saw La--

"May 21st"? May 21st... shouldn't tomorrow be an anniversary of something? I could have sworn it was an anniversary...

It will come to me later.

May 21st, 1610. I saw brother-Larry today, so I gave him flowers! All the sweet, wonderful, terrible flowers Hamlet gave me!

"There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray you love, remember; and there is pansies, that's for thoughts."

For thoughts! Stupid, stupid thoughts!

Larry didn't like them, either, but Claudius liked my poem!

Here it is:

By gis and by Saint Charity,
alack, and fie, for shame,
Young men will do't if they come to't,
by cock, they are to blame.
Quoth she: Before you tumbled me, you promised me to wed,
(He answers): So would I a-done by yonder sun
And thou hadst not come to my bed.

I hadstn't!

"Hadstn't"? Well, that's ridiculous!

Ridiculous, ridiculous... meticulous?

That's a hard one.

I wanted to give Larry violets, too, but I couldn't find any... ever since daddy died...

Larry thought that was "pretty"!

That's also ridiculous: a flaxen pall is not pretty. That's a fact.

Stupid brother.

It's technically tomorrow, I'm exhausted, and I'm trying to write these letters to send ahead to Claudius, and those damn pirates are still at it, drinking and singing... or more accurately: wailing...

Whatever.

Letters. Writing.

I was also thinking that maybe I should send a letter to Horatio... but anyway, here's what I have of the letter for Claudius so far:

High and mighty,
you shall know I am set naked on your kingdom;
tomorrow shall I beg leave to see your kingly eyes, when I shall, first
asking you pardon, thereunto recount the occasion of my sudden
and more strange return.

Ha! That'll get him thinking!

No idea what to write to mom, yet, though...

Oh! And for Horatio! Yeah... I was thinking the king might turn down letters from drunken pirates WHO ARE STILL SINGING... so I'll write to Horatio, instructing him to deliver the rest of the letters.

I should also tell him about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern - heh-heh-heh.

Ah, but then he might tell Claudius, and that'd spoil everything!

Maybe I'll just say something like "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hold their course for England, of them I have much to tell thee"?

Hm...

Bah! Well, I'll figure out something. I have to hurry, though - we reach shore tomorrow, and I want these letters sent as quickly as possible!

Now if only some certain drunken pirates would shut the fuck up!]]Hamlet, Prince of Denmarkhttp://www.evilissexy.com/hamlet/entry.php?id=11[CDATA[

Things have worked out just brilliantly today! All by a sheer luck! Sheer, brilliant luck!

Today our ship was attacked by pirates. That failure of a king, Claudius, can't keep the navy under control, so a bunch of them have turned pirate... although I guess I should thank him for it, in this case, as it seems he's given the pirates and I a common enemy...

Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself!

So: right: we were attacked by pirates! Rosencrantz, Guildenstern and the others all fought with surprising skill! Well, I already knew that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are good with a sword, but I was impressed by the skill of the other sailors! Anyway, even so, we were greatly outnumbered, and at one point I found myself cornered by two pirates against the edge of my ship. Knowing I couldn't win against both, I almost thought I'd take my chances with the sea, when another option presented itself: to leap for the enemy ship... which I took.

Of course, I was quickly apprehended, with several blades pointed at my throat. "How ironic," I thought, "that I narrowly escaped death from England by condemning my own friends, only to be killed by pirates in the end."

But Claudius! Claudius, Claudius, Claudius! You've made so many enemies, I'll be back home to kill you faster than expected!

One of the pirates recognized my ring, and realizing who I was, worked out a plan: rather than kill me, befriend me, and convince me to kill Claudius and claim the throne of Denmark (which should have been mine, etc, etc).

Playing along was so easy, it was hilarious! The hardest part was not bursting into laughter during it all!

I feigned reluctance. I exclaimed, "kill the king!?" while acting all surprised. I hesitantly accepted food and drink and slowly "warmed up to the idea" as the day wore on.

By the end I was all "yeah! I do deserve to be king!" and, "the way he married the queen so quickly, you could almost believe he killed my father!" and so on. Whatever they wanted to hear.

Having agreed to their plan, they've arranged to drop me off back home ASAP! We should arrive tomorrow!

I've never been so delighted to be captured by pirates before! lol!

Guess what I found tonight? A letter from Claudius, to England, asking a little favor... nothing much... JUST THAT THAT THEY KILL ME!

The night was going pretty well, too! I even almost forgot how big of assholes Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are! We were playing drinking games with the crew, and Rozencrantz was getting drunk off his ass... it was like one of our parties back in Wittenberg.

Well, the idiot ended up stripping naked and dancing on the table for a good half-hour before passing out - sadly, not an uncommon routine of his - but I guess, for the first time in my life, I can say that having to see his pasty ass was worth it: I ended up responsible for his laundry, and in putting it away, I found this letter - which I'm holding right now - addressed not just to the king of England - no, that wouldn't be enough - but the entire country, calling in on some old debt, etc, etc, culminating in "to kill Hamlet."

Well my dear uncle Claudius, I'm afraid you're going to end up a little disappointed, as it seems you've forgotten that my ring also bears the royal seal of Denmark.

So this letter is getting thrown overboard. But first, I'm writing a new one, copied word for word except for one little detail: "kill Hamlet" becomes "kill Rozencrantz and fucking Guildenstern."

I'm running on zero sleep right now, because... last night I tried to kill my uncle, but killed Ophelia's dad - Polonius - instead. By all rights, I should be in the dungeon right now, pending execution, aaannd... I really don't know why I'm not, so I'm kind of nervous/excited/I dunno...

Right, but... okay, so: last night, the players performed my Mousetrap play - the one to expose Claudius - and it was fucking brilliant. I mean, I could have done without Horatio's wise-ass remarks, but whatever. During the murder scene in the play, I put some pressure on Claudius, and he got all worked up and stormed out! I mean, they had to stop the play and everything!

But... it kinda' went downhill from there... 'cause I finally snuck up on Claudius - who was, for once, alone - and was going to kill him, but he was on his knees praying to God for forgiveness for murdering my father! Oh, I was so fucking pissed! I wanted to kill him then and there - I should have killed him then and there! But to kill him while praying... to kill any man while praying, he's practically guaranteed heaven. I want that asshole burning in hell, if I have to fucking drag him there myself!

And, right, but, so just before all that, everyone in the whole fucking castle had been bugging me... "your mom wants to see you"... so - fine - I went to see her, but then we got in an argument, and she flipped out, thinking I was going to kill her? Where did that come from? So she screams "Help! Ho!" and then I heard who I thought was Claudius - from behind the arras in her room - respond to her cry, and then... then, like, I dunno... everyone's screaming, and I was already pissed from seeing Claudius earlier, and... yeah... I tore the living shit out of that arras with my rapier... I seriously went crazy on that thing... until Polonius's body fell to the ground.

Sooooo... right. Really... very... not-good.

Oh! And then! I'm trying to explain to mom that Claudius killed my dad - you know, the man she forgot about in like two months - but she's flipping out again, and then dad's spirit appears again... which only makes things worse, because mom can't see it, so she thinks I'm going crazy, "talking to myself"...

Argh! I dunno! I stopped listening to her at that point... I was sick of dealing with it, and Polonius' dead body is just, like, lying there... staring at us...

And I thought maybe I could try to frame Claudius for Polonius' murder, but I guess mom fucked that up for me... and then Rozencrantz, Guildenstern, and a bunch of guards came for me just as I was finishing hiding Polonius' body... which Claudius then made me tell him the location of...

Anyway.

Anyway, I thought... I was dead. I was like, "Claudius killed my father, and is going to get away with it, and he'll have me killed, too..." legally this time, but whatever. But, yeah, then they're all just: "you're going to England."

... Really? That's it?

So... I'm here now... in this carriage on the way to port... and Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are either giving me weird looks as I try to write this journal entry... or whispering nervously to each other, probably figuring out the best way to escape in case I suddenly decide to leap at their throats with my bare hands, or whatever the hell they're thinking.

God, I dunno.

While I was out, a servant approached me, saying the master gardener wanted my frank opinion on something or another he'd been working on for my mother. I thought it odd until, upon reaching the gardens, I saw Ophelia waiting for me. She must have noticed I'd been avoiding her, and invented this ruse to draw me out...

I must admit, after three days, I was rather excited to see her again... but then she tried to give me back all of the letters I'd given her, along with several other gifts of mine...

I refused... we fought... I... may have told her to go to a nunnery... and called her a whore :\

Gah! Why am I so stupid?! I've been avoiding her! Of course she's upset! But it was to protect her! I couldn't tell her! About my father or Claudius! What should I have done?!

And now I've lost Ophelia! Wonderful, beautiful Ophelia!

What would it be like to talk to a man from the past... say from 100 years ago? Such a man would never have heard of Lodovico Grossi da Viadana; he wouldn't be very familiar with Niccolò Machiavelli, or Martin Luther.

He would have no notion of "geomagnetism", or the Dodo; would be confused by the term "electricity."

How many digits of Pi would he know?

How should I explain zinc to him? Or Drebbel's thermostat?

Would he marvel at the telescope? At the supernova? At Jupiter's moons?

My mind has been so busy with these thoughts since I woke up this morning that I haven't left my bed. I should get something to eat... maybe take a walk...

After finally getting to sleep last night, I had a nightmare... for the first time since I can remember.

I was in the woods, running... trying to find my father. I could hear him calling, but I couldn't see him. And as I ran, searching, the guards were chasing me, swords drawn.

Then, sometime during the chase, I came to a river, where Ophelia was washing, naked, gleaming in the starlight (corny as that sounds)... I approached her, pulled her toward me, but when we were about to kiss, I saw Polonius and my incestuous uncle, Claudius, watching us from the trees. I shouted and ran at them, chasing them off, but when I turned back to look for Ophelia, my mother was pouring poison in her ear. Ophelia fell over, dead, and the sound of the ghost laughing echoed through the forest...

It was then that I awoke, my clothes damp from sweat, and I had that feeling of not quite knowing what was real and what was part of the dream... so I ran to Ophelia's room to see that she was still alive. When I got to her room, I embraced her, and tried to speak, but couldn't... so I left, leaving her startled, I'm sure - I must have looked like hell - and came back to my room, where I immediately passed out again for another few hours.

When I woke up, I was starving... I went to the kitchen and took what I could find (to the annoyance of the cooks, I'm sure), then hid myself in the library for a few hours, eating and reading and thinking. Thinking about Claudius... and how to kill him.

If I try and fail, it's over. I'd be put to death for the attempt, will never have revenge, and my father's spirit will never rest. I need a plan that guarantees success. I also worry about involving Ophelia... if she were to be placed in any danger... I can't shake that image from my dream! I can't risk involving others!

And sometimes I think about what Horatio and the guards said... that this is the work of evil spirits seeking to destroy me... that it wasn't my father's ghost at all. But I already suspected what the ghost told me! Whether that spirit was my father's, or something from hell, these thoughts - these suspicions - were already mine. It's the most obvious ploy for the throne, it's embarrassing that no one else has noticed! You don't need anything to tell you - let alone a ghost - it's as plain as day!

But how to do it? How to kill Claudius? And how to be absolutely certain that he's guilty... I don't know, yet...

Anyway, after thinking about all this, I was on my way back to my room when Polonius assaulted me with questions.

"How does my good Lord Hamlet," indeed! Since when does he take an interest in my health? Or in me at all?

Ophelia probably told him I visited her last night, or something. God.

Anyway, I played stupid. Called him a fishmonger, lol. Sometimes I'd say something crazy, and he'd kinda' mumble to himself, confused. Eventually he gave up and left. Damn the man is persistent.

And then something even more unexpected happened: I was again interrupted, but this time by Rozencrantz and Guildenstern, who I'd not seen since I left Wittenberg. We had some of our usual back-and-forth banter, as we do, and things were going well... but then I asked them what brought them here, to Elsinore, and they stopped and looked at each other, and that's when I realized they didn't just come to visit me. Someone else asked them to come. When I guessed that it was "the good king and queen," you could see in their faces I'd guessed the truth. I drilled them a little, and they finally admitted it was true. And I admitted I've been feeling, well, depressed recently, which is no doubt the reason my mom called for them. (I doubt it was Claudius' idea, anyway... he wouldn't know about Rozencrantz or Guildenstern, unless someone else told him.)

And the day just got crazier! Apparently Rozencrantz and Guildenstern had met some players on the way here - several of whom I happen to know personally - and as we were finishing our conversation they arrived.

Oh, and then Polonius found me to deliver the news that a group of players had arrived. Yeah, thanks Polonius. Great timing.

But that's when an idea started to form in my head. Something Polonius said - or maybe just the fact he talked to me, I don't know - but he spewed some noise at me, and then I felt dominoes knocking each other down one by one in my brain, leading up to this one idea: to have the players put on an act mimicking my father's murder by Claudius, something similar to "The Murder of Gonzago". Claudius, if guilty, would show some reaction when seeing this. I'll watch for it: a loosened jaw, widened eyes, the blood draining from his face... and if I can play on his fear at this moment to draw out a confession, even better! Either way I'll discover the truth - catch the conscious of the king - and have nothing left to fear in carrying out my revenge.

CLAUDIUS! MURDERER! FUCKING, GOD-DAMNED MURDERER! He killed my father! KILLED MY FATHER! I swear I will have revenge!

The ghost is real! It is my father! And he called to me! Horatio and the others tried to stop me from going... they thought the ghost was disguising itself as my father, to lure me away to steal my mind and soul... but I knew they were wrong.

The assholes actually, physically grabbed me! I made them let go, and went to my father... and listened... to hear him pleading for help! For revenge!

Snake bite? Snake bite!? While my father was napping in the garden, his own brother, Claudius, poisoned him... poured hebenon into his ear... there was no fucking snake bite!

RRGH! AGRHAGRAHGRHAG!

Then he marries my mother! A month later, and she's all, "oh sure, why the fuck not?"

And still my father loves her... how can he still love her? That vile, pernicious, damned woman!

RGARHGRAHG!

CLAUDIUS, I SWEAR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!

I visited Ophelia just a few minutes ago, to try to tell her about the ghost and everything else, but before I could say anything she went into this exposition about how maybe we shouldn't see each other so much any more, and something about Laertes - whatever he's got to do with anything - and all this other nonsense.

She must be taking cues from my mom. Next week I'll hear she and Rosencrantz are together, or some shit like that!

Annoyed, and a little nervous, to be honest: Horatio and a couple of the guards - Marcellus and Bernardo? - say they saw my father's ghost during the night watch. If it were just the two guards, I'd think they were fucking with me, but Horatio looked, well, scared. Honest-to-God scared. And his description of the ghost...

Anyway, they say it comes every midnight, like clockwork. I'm going to check it out tonight, I guess.

Mom married Claudius. Claudius! It was yesterday, and I still can't get the image of them kissing out of my head, nor the sound of the fucking church music! And I'm sure Claudius is very proud of himself... by marrying mom he's essentially married the crown. Rare will be the elector who votes for anyone but Claudius, and then the church music can be replaced with an eternal chant of "Long live the king! Long live the king!"

You can guess how much I'm looking forward to it.

Ah, and I think I freaked out Ophelia yesterday... she found me, in my room after the wedding, literally throwing furniture around. Well, at least the bed was/is still in one piece... but, yeah, no more desk or chairs; even the dresser's in bad shape. I sent someone to buy new furniture... you know, something not already in the castle, so no one notices... I just wish the man would hurry himself up. I don't want to eat on the floor again tomorrow. And no, I don't particularly feel like eating in one of the many available dining rooms, where someone else can come congratulate me on my mom and uncle's wedding.

So much has been going on recently, it's hard to think straight... I've been talking to Ophelia about it, though, and she said that at times like these she's always found it helpful to write stuff down, so... here I go...

Having said that, God, I hardly even know where to begin! There's so much going through my head, I can't tell what plagues me more: that my dad died about three weeks ago, or that his brother is hitting on my mom! Or that mom doesn't seem to mind - quite the contrary, in fact!

And that's uncle Claudius, just to be clear. The prick's been eying mom since dad died! The way he sprung to her side to comfort her when she broke down at the funeral... you'd think he was waiting for it to happen.

Gah!

It feels like every other day he visits with some gifts for mom... and they go for walks, and have dinner together - Hamlet not invited, of course - and God know what else they do. But maybe the less I know, the better... the images in my head just from guessing are bad enough!

And, like... how is she even OK with this? Never mind this is her brother in-law! - if you can somehow manage to "never mind" that - but three weeks! We had dad's funeral three weeks ago! What the fuck!?

Anyway. I don't know what else to say. Maybe I'll write again. Maybe not.